Here's Looking At You, Kid

As I sit here, my mind wanders and takes a trip back through time. I see myself through all the phases of my life and I see every moment that influenced me, that changed me, that made me into the person I am today. And I wonder...if those things hadn't happened and I hadn't made certain decisions, would I still be at this point today where I am now? Would the outcome have been the same? Would I be me?
To be honest, this is probably too deep for me to really think about tonight. I am too happy. You see, through all these years I have been running to find happiness. And like Solomon said, the things I ran after and pursued were mere vanity. Vanity of vanities...all is vanity. I wasted all those years for nothing. And yet, through those wasted years I have learned some of life's most valuable lessons. I learned patience...granted, I can use a ton more but I did learn SOME patience :-)
I learned to stick to something and finish it instead of giving up. I learned that sometimes those whom we think are our friends will leave us and forsake us and stab us in the back but that we must never hate them for it, rather we ought to love them all the more because they clearly need that love. I learned forgiveness as well through those experiences. And how to be kind towards others. And how to wait on God for answers to prayers.
Ah yes...of all my lessons, waiting for GOD to answer in HIS time and not mine...that was the biggest of all. Human nature is such that we are constantly grasping for more...wanting MORE...when all we need is right here in front of us. All I ever needed was right in front of me all the time but I was too blind to see it. How selfish one can become. How greedy. Years of agony passed before I learned that vital and all important truth...what we WANT isn't necessarily what we NEED. It isn't always good for us.

Lately I have been doing some soul searching and I found to my disgust that this pitiful being that is me, has still got so many terrible faults and failings. How excruciating was that discovery, and yet how fulfilling! Now that I finally SEE I am able to change. And what wonderful motivation it is to have friends who love and care and stand by one through these times of discovery and anguish. And who depend on me as much as I depend on them! To be wanted...oh sweet bliss. To be wanted, needed, is one of the things which has haunted me for so many years. It is something I haven't experienced until recently. Something that has always been a big black hole in my soul. I despised myself for being needy, for wanting comfort and needing peace. But then I found it all in the most unexpected place and I had my eyes opened to how things ought to be, how life ought to be lived, and the extent of my previous blindness hit me like a tidal wive and brought me to my knees in tears.

What a fool I have been, what a sweet disaster has been this past life of mine, all to culminate in the here and now. Everything I have ever been through has brought me to this point right here, right now.
I sit here and my mind wanders....back to that innocent little girl, laughing as she dances through puddles in the rain. Sweet innocence, child-like beauty and grace...I lift my hand in a wave and utter the words, "Here's looking at you, kid" before closing that chapter on my past and turning to face my future with a smile. What excitement awaits, what joy, what passion, what adventure!